Poured Out

“I am already being poured out like a drink offering…Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing.” 2 Timothy 4:6-8

“I invest so much for little in return.”

These words of my heart slipped out. In this blunt confession, I knew immediately there was something off in my attitude of Christian service. But it was a real feeling. It crept deep.

There are times ministry feels like the Apostle Paul expresses: like a drink offering, poured out, splattered on the ground, not really knowing if the water will be used to nourish or just dry up in the hot sun. Some days it can seem like an extravagant waste, to be poured out. How much more self-satisfying would it be to know that God carefully funnels my efforts into a specific need with measurable return?

Did Christ feel that way when His blood was poured out?

He must have known that His blood would not save everyone – that even His costly sacrifice would dry on the parched souls of men who would not respond to His offer of forgiveness and grace.  He still went to the cross.  His blood accomplished its purpose.

As I whimper this honest confession in my gentle Savior’s ear, He shamelessly loves me. He reminds me He is sovereign over my spilled labor and He will accomplish His purposes for them. “Trust Me,” He woos.

If every effort was met with visual, temporal return, where is my faith in that work? Where is my reliance on the One who works all things together for His glory and my good?

Paul, as a self-proclaimed “drink offering,” looked forward to his eternal reward. As he penned his final words to Timothy, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing.”

Paul called his reward “the crown of righteousness.”

Think about that.

Paul’s heavenly reward is not a reward of eternal thanks or appreciation, but of eternal righteousness.

The earthly service of pouring one-self out for the sake of God’s kingdom is a deeply sanctifying process. Paul’s life described by fighting, finishing and faithfulness produced in him an understanding that the most satisfying return for our earthly labor is the gift of righteousness God bestows on those who labor by faith.

Notably, all he asked from Timothy at the end of his life was a warm coat and company.

This reminds me of the famous CS Lewis quote: “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures…like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

I am far too easily pleased with temporal praise and satisfaction.

Why do I dare admit this? Because, sisters, maybe you’re there with me. Maybe you are weary, looking for assurance and meaning as you labor in your family as faithful wives, mothers, daughters and friends. Maybe the needs around you are overwhelming and you’re tired. Maybe you’re weary in the waiting for things to change when you’ve already given all that you can think you can give. Maybe God’s shameless encouragement to me can be a shameless encouragement to you, too.

As God expands my capacity to be lavishly poured out, I will trust He will equally expand His invitation to trust, rely and walk with Him by faith. I will trust He will gently lift my head when I look to be satisfied with mud pies. That He will graciously accept my imperfect, woeful appreciation-seeking service and abundantly forgive my pouting pride.

I will trust that I will one day be eternally satisfied by His crowning gift of righteousness.

When I find myself weary and wanting to preserve my “drink offering” because it can seem too costly or not enough, may my heart be reminded to sing: “Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will go strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.”