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We have a big house. 

(There is a story here of God’s faithfulness and redemption, but that is for another time.  So, my acknowledgement of “we have a big house” is not a brag or even a complaint.  For now, it is a statement of fact.)

We moved into our home when our four children were under the age of seven.  It was amazing to have the space (we moved from a wonderful, cozy 1100 square feet) but needless to say, more space meant more room for messes!  With the busyness of life, raising four children, homeschooling, keeping up with extracurricular activities (you understand) – tidiness in a big house can quickly get away from you.

In the course of 6 years of living here, my attempts at “keeping up” swung radically from cleaning all the time to just giving up.  I created chore charts and failed at enforcing them.  New rules popped up every day depending on my latest mess frustration.  And, the worst was that I nagged my children and I think fostered a bitterness in them when it came to serving each other in the home. 

I remember distinctly that one day I was dusting (I loathe dusting, or ‘undusting” as per Amelia Bedelia) and I had such a bad attitude about it.  What popped into my mind was an image of my sweet mother, dusting our home when I was a child.  I remember she would be on her hands and knees dusting under tables, picking up each “pretty” and dusting it and carefully setting it back down….all while I was watching TV or reading or doing whatever I wanted.  She did it quietly, and I think she may even have been humming a tune.  But never complaining.  She loved her home.

I realized amid the cloud of dust that I was leaving a memory in my children’s minds, too.  I was imprinting a memory of grumbling and distain towards my children’s favorite place in the world:  Our home!  I also remembered that because of my mother’s influence, it became my conviction to be a “stay at home mom” even when I was an unmarried, career-advancing young woman.  This memory crystalized for me that I wanted our children to see me happy in our home so that they too may develop the same conviction to create a happy home for their families. 

The point in all of this is that I had to remember what was important.  What was important was not a dust-free home (HA- like that is achievable) but it was the legacy I was leaving.  My children couldn’t care less if the house was dusted.  They want a happy mom in a happy home.

The other point I wanted to make is this:  when I was struggling to keep up with my own chores, well-meaning people would point out that I had four children who could do the chores.  So, we tried that.  But as I said above, I was never good with follow through and while they were young, it just seemed to take too much time to train them when, in that time, I could just have a clean house.  (Hmm…take 4 hours to train and discipline and still have a messy house or allow a children’s movie marathon so I could just do it myself and have a clean house at the end? Sometimes short term goals look pretty good.) 

But there’s hope!  In the last 2-3 years, as our children have matured, they have grown more responsible and I can actually tell you that they are cleaning the house acceptably without too much fuss!  And, imagine:  I once bought into the idea that because I didn’t give them loads of chores at a young age, I would ruin them and raise lazy, entitled sofa pigs who watched movie marathons every Saturday (according to all those FB parenting posts which are always accurate). 

So, young moms, two points:  1/ relax about the mess (understanding everyone has a different threshold of “mess’) and focus on creating a happy home with a happy mama and 2/ realize that one day your happy children (since they have a happy mama) will happily help you keep that happy home.  It will come. 

“Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have, I give to you.  In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!”  Acts 3:6

This verse from Acts has circulated my home and classroom for a week.  We studied how the Holy Spirit empowered the apostles to do amazing things to draw crowds so they could hear Peter tell them that Jesus is Lord of all.  Masses of people became believers through this ministry of the Holy Spirit. 

These weekly Bible lessons are the norm around here and last week was a fairly typical week for us.  We progressed through our normal rhythm:  lessons, activities, family time, etc., yet I felt busier than ever.  I was pulled in many different directions all without feeling I was accomplishing anything.  What were usually benign requests (“Will you cut my toast?” “Help me find my shoes? and “Will you read me another story?”) all carried extra weight that only added to me feeling overwhelmed and inadequate to meet even the simplest needs of my family.  The benign requests were really requests for my time, and while I recognized that, I thought that I just couldn’t do or provide one more ounce of me.   

I wondered if Peter ever felt inadequate.  He was commissioned to go and preach the gospel to all nations (Matt.28:19) which is a pretty tall order for a band of 11 men.   I wondered, while walking up to the temple to pray that day in Jerusalem, seeing the massive crowds, if he felt overwhelmed by the enormity of his commissioning.  With this weight upon him, how would he respond to a simple, repetitive request for money from a lame beggar? 

The answer he gave to this man satisfied my soul.  He did not give what the man asked for, but instead gave what he did have to give:  Jesus.  Peter, poor, persecuted, but empowered by the Holy Spirit, knew the man’s cries were for something greater than silver or gold or even healing for his legs.  It was healing for his soul, found in knowing Jesus. 

What I absorbed from Peter’s response is that there are just some needs I cannot meet. I do not have the “silver and gold” to satisfy the multiple requests that come from multiple directions within my family and beyond.  I do know, because God has healed my mind and soul through the love and forgiveness of Jesus, that the core need of these requests can only be met by Jesus. 

When I am asked to give something I do not have (even from benign, repetitive requests) will I now respond with frustration, impatience or inadequacy, or instead humbly say, “I can’t help you right now, but we can pray that God will meet your need.”  The ultimate goal, like Peter knew, was to take them to Jesus to satisfy their need.  Now, I don’t have visions of Jesus tying or finding shoes, but I do hope that my children would see how Jesus loves them and wants to help them if they go to Him. 

So what does it mean to “give Jesus?”  when I do not have “silver and gold” to give?  Ultimately, it is sharing the gifts I myself have received from Him.   In Peter’s encounter with the lame man, he gives what he has received from Jesus: “What I do have, I give to you.”  What are some of those things as a believer I have received from Jesus?  Love.  Hope.  Peace.  Forgiveness of sins.  Belonging.  Joy.  Self-control.  Courage.  Perseverance.  

On those days when everyone seems to be begging for me at once, I want to ask for wisdom for two main things:  1) to see the true need and 2) to demonstrate a reliance on God to meet that need.   My commissioning, just as Peter’s, is to make disciples of Jesus, demonstrating that HE not ME is “the Way, the Truth, the Life.” (John 14:6)  When I trust Him to meet the needs of others, I give what I have received: faith that He meets all my needs according to His riches in glory. (Phil 4:19)

In the moments when the “tyranny of the urgent” or even the grind of the daily tasks loom ahead, I pray that I will remember Peter and the lame man, and respond by giving Jesus.

Acts 3:1-16

1. How do you respond when you feel unfit for a task or request? Why?
2. How does Peter’s response to the lame man reflect Peter’s dependence on God?
3. How do you reflect your own dependence on God to those around you?
4. What are some of the most meaningful gifts you have received from God? 
5. Is there a particular situation in which you are struggling to rely on God to meet a need for someone else?
6. In your situation, how can you, like Peter, demonstrate that God will meet needed for that circumstance? 
7. What have you received from Jesus that you can give?

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:14-16

If we are to be holy, we are to be “set apart” to God. It’s an identity given to us through the covenantal work of providence on our lives, outside of ourselves, through the life-giving, grace-imputed righteousness in Jesus Christ.

There’s lots of theology-rich, truthful words in the above sentence! Yet, how approachable is this description of my own identity in Christ? To get to the point: how do I live my ordinary life with an approachable holiness so that others (and even myself) can see Jesus in me?

As I’ve spent some time in the Gospel of Matthew, it has been refreshing to “reconnect” with Jesus. I’m reminded of His ministry and life on earth, which was raw, dirty, poor, and in a temporal way, quiet. He puzzles me and leaves me in awe at the same time!

Matthew describes for us Jesus’s holiness in His interactions with people while on earth. Jesus’ humility was holy. His wisdom was holy. His compassion was holy. Jesus’s every word, every act, every touch, every motivation was holy. He did not separate Himself from unholy, worldly sinners, but in his humility, he separated to Himself a bunch of ragged, strung out, unholy people and made them holy in Him, by Him, and for Him.

As the “God-Man,” Jesus’ holiness was entirely approachable. Beggars, blind men, “unclean” women, the powerful, the mentally-ill, wriggly and spirited children all approached Jesus. He received them and spoke to their hearts about a Heavenly Father who is jealous for them and can give them life abundant. He tells them that the Kingdom of God is for them – those who are poor, who mourn, are meek, who long for a righteousness they know they cannot give to themselves.

He labeled this cast of characters: “You are the salt of the earth…You are the light of the world.” He welcomed this motley crew to be God’s holy or “set apart” people, to receive His forgiveness and righteousness. It’s shocking isn’t it? His holy people are set apart, not because of their self-respectability, but because of their lack of it. He makes them holy through His approachable presence in their messy, unapproachable lives.

Growing in holiness to me is about growing in humility and approachability. But, it’s not just by admitting, “I’m a broken mess! (See how approachable I am?)” When I do this, I miss the point that becoming approachable to others in community is not about flippantly proclaiming my brokenness, but humbly proclaiming what Jesus has done through my brokenness, in spite of my brokenness, and offering that hope to others. He who has made me holy is making me holy through His holy, approachable presence in my broken life.

The challenge for us to be holy is put forth by Christ example: Every interaction showed His holiness and His humble loyalty to His Heavenly Father’s will. Every interaction acknowledged our human brokenness. Every interaction pointed us to the remedy of the impending drama of the Cross, when and where He would give us His holiness and make us His own through faith in Him.

I want reflect Jesus’ approachable holiness in my ragged life by being loyal to Him, being humble and hopeful at the foot of the cross. I am thankful for my brothers and sisters in Christ who model this for me in community. I pray that I would be considered one in that number.

Parenting 101: Remembering

Listen Here 

It’s that time of year for us, when our family buckles down with school and extra-curricular activities and tries to keep up with a schedule that is admittedly too much. It is also the time, because of this hectic pace, our strengths and weaknesses as a family are more acutely on display. Summer’s warm weather and lazy days may have lulled us into an acceptable lethargy, but Fall’s brisk mornings also can reveal a chill in our family’s life together.

Don’t get me wrong. I love our family. Each member is beautifully unique and cherished beyond measure. Each person’s gifts and talents shine brightest when we are enjoying each other as a family. The hectic (yet intentional) pace of our Fall days, however, can expose our weaknesses, too. I am so grateful for a loving husband and children who forgive one another (and me) and are loyal to each other despite harsh words and flashes of tempers.

Since I am the one who usually observes these moments (and even have them myself – shocking, I know) I am the one who is on the front lines correcting, disciplining, and administering justice. I have ample opportunities to practice these parenting “skills.” Lately, I have realized that when these character weaknesses rear their ugly heads, I try to tame them with demands for “obedience.” The script goes something like this:

“You did that again? Why can’t you just obey me?” or “How many times have I asked you to sit down in your chair? Will you just obey me? [Sigh]” or “Stop aggravating your sister. If you just listened to me then you wouldn’t get into trouble.”

These words on paper may mask my tone and body language, but admittedly, these parenting moments are not my finest. I see the inner rebellion raging in my children’s eyes when I speak this way. There is little real repentance only outward obedience. My child may have obeyed, but not willingly. Interestingly enough, I fought similar battles as a child. I calculated, “Obeying on the outside may make life easier for me but no one can really tell me what to do.” I’m familiar with that gleam in their eyes.

This revolving script all has the same theme: In my quest for obedience from my children, I think somehow I will be able to control their actions and restore harmony to our family life. Discipline and consequences deftly administered are all good, responsible things. But are tightly, buttoned-up, rule-keeping children who don’t disturb the peace really the goal of my parenting?

The Lord’s still small voice brought to mind an encounter of Jesus with the Pharisees. Jesus confronted these men who were the proverbial rule-keepers of that day. Jesus described these men as “white-washed tombs.” In Matthew 23:27-28 He speaks to them like this:

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.” Matthew 23:27-28

Ouch.

When I became a Christian in my late teen-aged years, I remember reading this story and knowing, without a doubt, I was a “white-washed tomb.” In my own mind, I strutted about with an air of morality and maturity, a combination which was going to make life easy for me. However, I was a slave to the idea that my worth and success came from outward compliance to the rules and people’s opinions. I was a pretty good rule-keeper. Yet, inside I struggled with insecurity born from selfishness and rebelliousness. In short, I believed that I belonged to myself. I was the Captain of my own destiny.

Despite this foolishness, God’s loving, merciful hand epically orchestrated events in my life to open my eyes to my utter brokenness and need for Him. The “unclean” and “dead bones” of my soul were laid bare before His gentle, loving and persuasive love. In those days, the Lord’s love for me was palpable: I remember feeling loved, forgiven, accepted. They were the deepest feelings I had ever experienced.

When I reflect on that time in my life, especially now as a parent, I see those events in fuller view. As a teen, “feelings” were the measure of my reality, but as an adult I know that God’s hand in my life goes way beyond “how He makes me feel.” I now can see the ways in which God “parented” me (along with my loving mom and dad) through those painful teenage years. In that shameful time, God, the perfect parent, bathed me in His love. His message to my heart was not exasperated calls for obedience and “I told you so’s” but

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-29

God knew my heart’s cry was rest for my searching soul. And I loved Him for it. And I followed after Him.

My story only serves to reflect the greatness of God’s character and His methods in my life. He moved heaven and earth to demonstrate His love for me. He composed and staged my story’s plot line to display His faithfulness and commitment to me….

“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!”  Romans 5:8-10

I obeyed His call to take up His yoke because He proved His love for me while I had no righteousness of my own to offer in return. After 25 years, I see this time in my life as precious, despite the sorrow. God is still using this story to shape me and recall His love and His methods. As a parent, I see this time with different eyes and am still learning from it.

For example, in my efforts to parent my own children, I sometimes get things all backwards. Speaking to my children in an exasperated tone, especially when my child is experiencing struggle or shame, does not reflect God’s work in my life. In my own time of vulnerability, as I sat in the shards of my broken teen-aged world, God did not shame me. He did not say, “I told you so.” He did not say, “If you had just obeyed me…” He picked me up and loved me. I felt the full consequences of my teenage decisions, but I was cradled in His love. Then, in His call for my obedience, the echoes of His love resounded, and in the words of a favorite hymn, “I rose, went forth, and followed thee.”

Scripture bears out God’s method for teaching obedience: Love comes first. He is after our hearts first, then comes obedience. Jesus, when asked by a “rule-keeper” what the greatest commandment was to obey in all the Law, said:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Luke 10:27

The whole of the Bible is a story of God’s covenant love for His people: a love that never fails. “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.” (Lamentations 3:22) His love for us is not dependent upon our own response to that love, but instead flows out of His character (1 John 4:8). His love is lavishly given. (1 John 3:1) It is extravagant, but never wasted (Isaiah 55:11). His love seeks out the lost (Luke 15:8-10), restores the broken (Psalm 147:3), keeps no record of wrongs, (1 Cor. 13) and forgives freely (Mark 2:1-12). God bestows upon us His covenant love before He asks for our obedience to follow after Him. His love never is withheld from His children, no matter our shame.

God’s “parenting goal” for His people is to so convince them of His love that they give Him their hearts. His is looking for those whose hearts are fully committed to Him (2 Chron. 16:9). Therefore, the ultimate goal of parenting is not obedient children—the outward constriction of rule-abiding. The goal is raising loving children whose hearts belong to the Lord. Children who know they are deeply loved by a Heavenly Father who is ordering their lives in such a way to demonstrate that covenantal love to them. Children who, in response, love the Lord, and then who love one another. That said, the “rule-abiding” in its proper place, provides a picture to what that love looks like. And gloriously, this kind of Love has no boundaries:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23).

My calls for obedience from my children need to be clothed in the same love. Expressing frustrated, exasperated calls for obedience is not effective to reach their hearts. Instead, taking the time, over a lifetime, to persuade them of God’s great love for them and my own love for them, to know their hearts, and for them to know mine, trumps all other parenting skills.

May God grant me the grace to powerfully remember His love for me in the midst of my parenting days so that I can be faithful to tell of His love to the next generation.

“I will extol you, my God and King, and bless your name forever and ever. Every day I will bless you and praise your name forever and ever. Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable. One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts” Psalm 145: 1-4